Tortilla Soup for the Soul

The hardest days are the days I wake up thinking about dmd. The days when the tears are so close to the surface and I must hold myself tenderly and not wish for anything different and embrace the pain and sadness until it has run its course. Today is such a day. Today is a day of rest. Last night I made the right thing to nourish me today. Here is my receipe for the perfect 

Tortilla Soup for the Soul

I insist on mise en place for this and all recipes.

Ingredients
3 pabalano peppers
3 cloves garlic crushed
1/2 cup olive oil
2 pints chicken stock
1 onion - diced
1 14 oz can of diced tomatoes (or 4-6 fresh)
1 tsp pepper
1 tsp salt

Broil peppers and garlic for 5 minutes (until slightly blackened - remove garlic before it burns - 3min)
In an Instapot, sautee onion in olive oil until translucent, chop up peppers and garlic when they are ready and sautee for another 3 min, tomatoes, add stock, add salt and pepper. Set to "soup" for 30min. 

garnish with tortillas chips, 1/2 an avocado, 1 tbs yogurt, lime juice to taste

October

Here is a quick personal update. 
We have moved into a home that is more suitable to our changing needs.
B changed schools and we are so grateful to Traeger School for incredible support.
O started pre-K and misses his brother.
So grateful for my family and to the sellers/buyers for the easeful transition and seamless home sale/purchase. So grateful for friends who helped with the move. So grateful for our church for meals. So grateful for calls, cards, donations, and gifts from friends - thank you for your generosity. So grateful for all the doterra oils. So grateful for my yoga teacher for the mentorship, gifts, texts and conversations. So grateful for health care givers, surgery and recovery (now I can smell those amazing oils), primary care, insurance and on going support.
So grateful for my husband as we begin our 10th year together. 
So grateful for my boys - beyond grateful to be your mama.

May my gratitude be felt in classes this month.
Please join me for ongoing Flow + Restore classes at YMCA 20th St. and Downtown YMCA
This month classes will have an intentional focus:
gentle, internal self-care to restore, revive, and return via movement, breath, and stillness.

Class Schedule

 

Lost today

Today I feel so depressed and apathetic that I spent most of the day in front of a screen. For a moment today, I hugged Nate and said, "I know it's not true, but today it feels like I'll never be happy again." I know this isn't true, but the feeling about it is. The fear of it is. The thoughts are the hardest to deal with right now. Thoughts, that I am wasting my life, that the whole family may be better off without my bad attitude and complaints and general irritation and grumpiness. I know that these aren't kind words and these thoughts have no actual use - at least thats what I say, that is what I think. Fuck, I really don't know what to do. I don't know who I am. I have an idea of who I want to be, but today, I can only be what/who I am right now and that's plain sad, depressed, whatever you want to call it. I feel lost.

So, as antidote, I play with the boys, and submerse myself in the present moment, their laughter, their yells, their delight. I wonder how long this will last. I think I need to ask that question when I'm feeling sad too .... I'm already feeling lighter. Now, what I can do about this fear thing ... 

on Strength

I got a phone call from Sundari's husband John yesterday. Sundari used to teach the most amazing yoga classes in her home studio in Bend. Classes always started with tea or some other delicious treat at her kitchen table. She and John always generously opened their house to friends and the community. John is such magnificent and fun musician and the house was always filled with instruments and delightful sounds and people and the best energy you can imagine. I count my time at The Luceys' as some of my most healing and most treasured. So, to get a phone call from John was pretty special. He heard the news about Brendan and decided to call. He said how much he loved us and how Brendan is in the best hands - he expressed it in a way that made me feel so honored to have this task of raising B and O. He mentioned how strong I am. 

At this point, I do not feel strong. When I am not right in front of the boys, engaging with them, I often wander around the house feeling lost and unsure what to do or even how to be. I cry a lot, feel emotions strongly, get irritated and overwhelmed. I try to practice. I try to sit. I clean a dish. I vaccuum the floor. I take care of a task. There is nothing dramatic. I'm not planning big fun adventures that we can go on. I'm not living every second like its the most precious (even though I know every second is). I don't feel strong. I feel disoriented and I am trying to find my way. 

How? Living in the space of not knowing. Living in the space of rest and release and letting go. Living in the space of wanting quietude and even solitude with my beautiful little family. Not wanting distractions, not wanting to talk, just wanting the Now. Just wanting to move along in continuous contact with the vastness of Presence, the vastness of This Moment.

"Our" cabin at Knight Lake by Merril, WI.

On Allowing

Yesterday, I cried so much .. I got irritated at Nate for beginning a pickling project as I was finishing an hour's worth of dishes (our new house has a dishwasher) to have enough space on the counter to make the boys' lunch. Why would that irritate me? Because in the moment I felt disregarded and unconsidered. This is a common theme and its talons are set deep in my psyche. It's not the truth, it's a lie that grabs a hold of my thought process and tries to tell me that no one cares about me, that what I do doesn't matter. Later that day, I had hoped to talk with Nate on the phone with my teacher and her partner, but Nate wanted to find another time because he was tired and neither one of us were really in the mood to dive into our relationship. A few minutes after I texted to reschedule and asked for an assignment the phone rang. After a quick conversation - really a quick conversation is all it takes! (I'm not sure why I want to drag things out sometimes - probably because I don't feel "heard" and want to keep going, until some small part of my self that will never be satisfied, is satisfied.) - my assignment: allow and be really awesome about it. Nate has this game on his phone that is his go to, vice?, I'm not sure what to call it. My assignment is to allow it. Because really, what better choice is there? Just allow it, allow him the time and space he needs to process and cope in his own way. I get caught up in my feelings and my feelings are so strong that I think I probably get jealous that he can just get on his phone and play a game then I feel abandoned. Writing this down gives me the proper distance to see it for what it really it. A habit. A habit of a scared, sad, sensitive person who has suffered loss and is hurting, a person that can also feel into the collective (Oh Charlottesville) as well. So, this week, I can allow, I will allow, I must allow and demonstrate that I love him through my actions and words.     

We have Brendan's big doctor's appointment Tuesday where he meet his "team" and hopefully we will have the results to his genetic test. Here's to a week of allowing.