I got a phone call from Sundari's husband John yesterday. Sundari used to teach the most amazing yoga classes in her home studio in Bend. Classes always started with tea or some other delicious treat at her kitchen table. She and John always generously opened their house to friends and the community. John is such magnificent and fun musician and the house was always filled with instruments and delightful sounds and people and the best energy you can imagine. I count my time at The Luceys' as some of my most healing and most treasured. So, to get a phone call from John was pretty special. He heard the news about Brendan and decided to call. He said how much he loved us and how Brendan is in the best hands - he expressed it in a way that made me feel so honored to have this task of raising B and O. He mentioned how strong I am.
At this point, I do not feel strong. When I am not right in front of the boys, engaging with them, I often wander around the house feeling lost and unsure what to do or even how to be. I cry a lot, feel emotions strongly, get irritated and overwhelmed. I try to practice. I try to sit. I clean a dish. I vaccuum the floor. I take care of a task. There is nothing dramatic. I'm not planning big fun adventures that we can go on. I'm not living every second like its the most precious (even though I know every second is). I don't feel strong. I feel disoriented and I am trying to find my way.
How? Living in the space of not knowing. Living in the space of rest and release and letting go. Living in the space of wanting quietude and even solitude with my beautiful little family. Not wanting distractions, not wanting to talk, just wanting the Now. Just wanting to move along in continuous contact with the vastness of Presence, the vastness of This Moment.
"Our" cabin at Knight Lake by Merril, WI.