Today I feel so depressed and apathetic that I spent most of the day in front of a screen. For a moment today, I hugged Nate and said, "I know it's not true, but today it feels like I'll never be happy again." I know this isn't true, but the feeling about it is. The fear of it is. The thoughts are the hardest to deal with right now. Thoughts, that I am wasting my life, that the whole family may be better off without my bad attitude and complaints and general irritation and grumpiness. I know that these aren't kind words and these thoughts have no actual use - at least thats what I say, that is what I think. Fuck, I really don't know what to do. I don't know who I am. I have an idea of who I want to be, but today, I can only be what/who I am right now and that's plain sad, depressed, whatever you want to call it. I feel lost.
So, as antidote, I play with the boys, and submerse myself in the present moment, their laughter, their yells, their delight. I wonder how long this will last. I think I need to ask that question when I'm feeling sad too .... I'm already feeling lighter. Now, what I can do about this fear thing ...