On taking a different approach

Those small self voices that say those things that make us shudder. Do they plague you, do the bother you at all? So many times I have heard these voices, thoughts, internal dialog met with enmity, indignation, and disgust. I am guilty of this. What happens, do they disappear, go away forever? No, they just get stronger, more psychotic and unreasonable. Louder and more aggressive in return. Yes, there is a different way to deal with the inevitability of the possibility that these voices will become audible at some of the least desired times.

This way is brilliant really and quite simple. Once again I quote Ms. Gilbert.

“Speak to your darkest and most negative interior voices the way a hostage negotiator speaks to a violent psychopath: calmly, but firstly. Most of all, never back down. You cannot afford to back down. The life you a negotiating to save, after all, is your own.

“Who the hell do you think you are?” your darkest interior voices will demand.
“It’s funny you should ask,” you can calmly reply.

I’ll tell you who I am: I am a child of God, just like anyone else. I am a constituent of this universe. I have invisible spirit benefactors who believe in me, and who labor alongside me. The fact that I am here at all is evidence that I have the right to be here. I have a right to my own voice and a right to my own vision. I have a right to collaborate with creativity, because I myself am a product and a consequence of Creation. I’m on a mission of (artistic) liberation, so let the girl go.”

See? Now you’re the one doing the talking.”

— Elizabeth Gilbert, Big Magic

What a liberating and empowering approach. How bold and how useful.

May we be willing to stand up for ourselves calmly and affably, but as resolved and firm as the one with all the power. May we negotiate with our darkest interior voices with strength and surety despite the fact of vulnerability. May we negotiate with our terrorists.

Side note: I once heard a story about a hostage negotiator, I think it was on NPR or something like that, I’m not sure the source. But, I remember that the speaker spoke very clearly about the need to be vulnerable when negotiating in a hostage situation. Not forceful, not aggressive, actually on the hostage takers side, hearing this person, and connecting to this person; working with this person until this person felt heard. From there, the negotiator had a chance to keep everyone alive.

May you consider this approach the next time the voices of your darkest interior arise volatile, dangerous, and demanding.

On Big Magic

You guys, Big Magic, that’s all I can say today. Just, Big Magic. If you have a desire to live creatively, that is to say with wonder and joy and more curiosity than fear. If you have a desire to move out past that which scares you and into the big, bright, beautiful uncharted territory of your life and future. Then, go get this book today.

Here is Elizabeth Gilbert’s website (love the Magic Lessons podcast).

And here is link to get a copy of Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear by Elizabeth Gilbert author of Eat Pray Love, Committed, and the Signature of All Things.

On quitting before it gets good

Recently I’ve (re)started a meditation practice with a renewed sense of purpose. Committing not to “just 5 minutes a day” here and there, but to two twenty minutes (actually 22 minute) sits everyday. This extra time has been all the difference. Where do I find the extra 40 minutes a day?! Well, these essential 40 minutes clear my mind and calm my stress and soothe my ego and lighten my heart and release my soul and creates space so that God can speak directly to my heart. I am less angry on the days that I meditate. I am more productive, and energies, and joyful, and aware. I have more room for curiosity and wonderment because my mind is not consumed with thought and worry, and all those things. My children get more of me, my husband gets my smile and my silliness, the house is cleaner, the meals are more delicious and really there is not one area of my life that is not made better by my practice. Oh, and my yoga practice is stronger and more interesting. But, I don’t get the benefits in just 5 minutes. I need the extra time to settle in and surrender. Sure, yes, in 5, 10 minutes my mind with clear and my stress will dissipate, but if I stop there … I miss the good part.

“Meditation teacher Pema Chodron once said that the biggest problem I see with people’s meditation practice is that they quit just when things are starting to get interesting. Which is to say, they quit as soon as things aren’t easy anymore, as soon as it gets painful, or boing, or agitating. They quit as soon as they see something in their minds that scares them or hurts them. So they miss the good part - the part when you push past the difficulty and enter into saw raw new unexplored universe within yourself.

And maybe it’s like that with every important aspect of your life. Whatever it is you are pursing, whatever it is you are seeking, whatever it is you are creating, be careful not to quick too soon. “Don’t rush through the experiences and circumstances that have the most capacity to transform you.” Don’t let go of your courage the moment things stop being easy and rewarding.

Because that moment? That’s the most when interesting begins.”

— Elizabeth Gilbert, Big Magic

On perfectionism

“I think perfectionism is just a high-end, haute-couture version of fear. I think perfectionism is just fear in fancy shoes and a mink coat, pretending to be elegant when actually it’s just terrified. Because underneath that shiny veneer, perfectionism is nothing more than a deep existential angst that says, again and again, “I’m not good enough and I will never be good enough.” We must understand that the drive for perfectionism is a corrosive waste of time because nothing is ever beyond criticism.”

— Elizabeth Gilbert, Big Magic

Damn.

Perfectionism is often held up as a virtue. Mercedes Benz, Lexus, BMW and the multi-billion dollar you-name-it industries would have you think that pursuing perfection is most important. Sure, its important in something requiring precision: surgery, space travel  for example. But even surgery is far from flawless. And look at all the mistakes NASA made when they left Matt Damon on Mars. I wish I had considered this point of view and this reality earlier in life. I have crippled myself pursuing perfection in certain areas - all of it an attempt to fool my fear into believing that I was in control. That it was my lack that produced certain outcomes; if I was better, perhaps it would have gone another way. I know it was fear that held me back. My heart was in the wrong place. I pursued a certain outcome, a goal, but denied myself joy, celebration, and fun in the process, in the name of “discipline” or “excellence.”

What a shame.

Had I been pursuing with the vigor of joy I posses every time I design a yoga class or create a playlist or write an email or blog post, things may have gone a different way. But, I know that now. I know that perfection is unachievable. As Ms. Gilbert writes, “It’s a myth and a trap and a hamster wheel that will run you to death.”

“So many of us believe in perfection which ruins everything else because the perfect is not only the enemy of the good; it’s also the enemy of the realistic, the possible, and the fun.”

I don’t think that I can truly stop myself from pursuing, improving, refining, but I am going to add fun to the process. I want to do it simply because I love it and I want to like it. I think going forward, I want to pursue for the love of the journey, with curiosity, wonder, and great joy.

On battling

This, you guys. This.

“The biggest opponent we will ever face in our entire lives in our smallest self.”

— Sarah Pool from the 2016 Muse Conference, Bend OR

You guys, I battle with my small self all the time. My smallest self is a serious Beast. I put out the vibe that I’m relaxed, authentic, and happy, that I spend my days in meditation, doing yoga, drinking green juice and hemp protein smoothies, cooking only yogi-esque dairy-free, wheat-free vegan food, and teaching my boys mindfulness and compassion and empathy as we venture out into the woods to commune with coopers-hawks and chickadees and trees. But, the truth is I am a frightened little rabbit that can go all full-on zombie in a snap. It happened yesterday in the kitchen, the trigger, my husband putting (flippantly tossing) his keys on the bookshelf instead in the designated key area, the specific tray meant for just keys. The words and behavior that came out of me in that moment scared even myself and I immediately left the house with a curse and a slam of the door and walked down the street barefoot until I calmed down; which took about two blocks. I immediately apologized and tried to moved on. I quickly returned to the battle with my smallest self, tears streaming down my face as I washed the dishes. My smallest self whispering all the familiar attacks. I holding my ground as non-violently as I could, waiting it out.

A few days ago, I wrote about making space for my Fear. Standing there, washing my dishes, I did this, I made space for Fear, I held fear, I calmed Fear. My husband, who is the single most amazing person I have ever known, wrapped his arms around me and and just held me - as if he was also holding space for Fear.

In this awesome talk, Sarah Pool bravely and authentically talks about what it's like to let her “smallest self” run the show; and I am sure we can all relate to what she says. I love pretty much everything about what’s happening in it - I love that my yoga-sisters in Bend are doing such amazing things to empower women and girls and themselves through the Muse Conference and all other things Muse - I feel so much pride to have practiced besides them - as teacher, peer and student, but I digress. The only thing that I didn’t internally cheer about was when Sarah talked about “squashing the small self like a bug” - I get what she was saying and she’s such a badass that I don’t want to disagree with her, I believed her fully in the moment. But, I truly want to embrace my smallest self - the mean, dark, cursing, fighting, biting, hitting, little gremlin of my small self. I want Small Self to know that it’s ok! You can relax.The fight it over - the war is over. You can just chill out and furiously clean the kitchen and baseboards whenever you get a little angsty. But seriously, you are ok. Like I said a few days ago, Creativity and Me have got this. Small Self, it's ok, you can let Superwoman out, she’s ready.

Here’s what I am going to do. I am going to write down my list of Superwoman qualities. These qualities aren’t super unrealistic. Like nowhere on my list are you going to see things like: is a totally amazing singer, or the world’s most relaxed and put together mom, or can leap tall buildings or always gets her lefts and rights correct when teaching yoga, nothing crazy or anything. But, before I show you my list, I would like for you to consider your own list. Who is your Superwoman or Superman Self? The Self that feels delighted and excited to be you? The Self that would actually laugh endearingly at all the fuss the small self makes, without judgment and with much delight and empathy. Because really the small self is never going away, we just need to find more creative ways of dealing with it.

My Super Woman is:
Calm, loving, powerful, intelligent, elegant, inspired and inspiring, articulate, potent, compassionate, wants to fight the fight to free herself and be who she is, totally ok with everything as it is and able to work diligently and joyfully, positively self-aware, relaxed and comfortable, and to use Liz Gilbert’s phrase “stubbornly glad” (because I need to put my inherited abundance of stubbornness to good use.)

I would love love love to hear back from you on this one with your list.