On Boundaries

My favorite class of the week is Restorative Yoga on Wednesdays at the Y. I think by Wednesday everybody wants and needs a little restorative yoga session. There are some unique challenges that can be ... inimical to creating a deeply restorative atmosphere. Those who attend this class can speak to the frequency of basketballs hitting the back door and enthusiastic encouragements from the R.I.P.P.E.D class heard through the walls. This coupled with the wifi interrupting the music, thereby making us even more vulnerable, can quickly pull us away from our task of restoration. 

I find this to be the perfect habitat for practice and I welcome it. The process of restoration (as in home restoration) is never a quiet one really, but I digress.  

Yes, yoga class is a place to release the stresses and chaos of the day and a lifetime of residual tensions in our bodies, muscles, bones, and mind. Yes, our preference is most likely peace and quiet and not to have so many distractions. But, life isn't like that; we rarely get all of our expectations met. If you are a recovering perfectionist (Hi, I'm Kat, I'm a perfectionist), you are particularly vulnerable to disappointment and thrown by things going a different way.

So, what can we do for ourselves so that we can have an experience go, as intended, despite the inevitable possibility that it will not?

We can create boundaries.

Not a "stone wall" of protection, but a boundary that is both porous and impenetrable; one that keeps us held, safe, and strong, yet remains open enough so that we can stay in relationship - so that we aren't closed off, but remain receptive to energies and inspirations that are amicable and supportive. 

A really excellent example of how to do this is this video. Here Sally Kempton, a favorite meditation teacher gives instruction and protocol on creating boundaries to protect oneself from ... flying basketballs, unintentional R.I.P.P.E.D classes, screaming children, office noise, notifications, highways, television, social anxiety, and any other situation ... And, keep you grounded, strong, powerful, and in possession of yourself and your own energy.

“Your energetic field is powerful and bright and naturally repels anything that is inimical to it. But it is also permeable to what is akin to it, to what is favorable and loving ... With your breath, feel yourself protected.”

— Sally Kempton

No longer on the take

In two days I turn 39 ... I still feel insecure, but much less so. I still feel social anxiety. I'm still too quiet and hard to hear. I grieve over the ways I didn't/couldn't bring myself through in situations - I grieve over my habits that ensure this. I welcome, invite, call in Me to quiet the insecurity, fear, pain, struggle. I call in Me to love, give, offer authentically, effortlessly, freely and with vigor. I welcome listening and clarity. I welcome alignment - Heart, Soul, Self, words and actions in alignment. "If it will benefit others, may I learn". I welcome original conversion, transmutation - letting what I learn and what I know settle in and come forth uncontrived and purely my own - no longer on the take. 

I am grateful to all my teachers, past, present future who have given me so much, especially my littlest ones. I am grateful to everyone who has ever sat with me in yoga or meditation - you are my teachers and I am humbled by you. I am grateful for 39 years and each sunrise and sunset, each rain storm, fallen snowflake, hot night, bright star and clear moon. I am grateful for sweet precious Mother Earth who nourishes me, holds me, and loving supports my feet - your quiet forests and rhythmic oceans give the greatest peace. I am grateful for love - every broken heart and the one true love of my life who walks next to me, holding my hand and encouraging me simply by being present. I am grateful for family - that given to me by birth and by the simple understanding that we are connected, as humans and more-than-humans.

May the road to 40 be clear and stable and may I have the courage to navigate it when it's not.

photo by cyr, me costumed as a tree by sarah mikolowsky, circa 2010

On Anger : Part One

“We should be able to live each day deeply, with joy, peace and compassion because time goes by so quickly. I promise myself that I will enjoy every minute of the day that is given to me to live. It is thanks to the practice of mindful walking and mindful breathing that I can enjoy deeply every moment of my daily life. Mindful breathing and mindful walking are like two friends, always helping me to delve into the here and the now and touch the wonders of life that are available. ”

Anger by Thich Nhat Hanh was recommended to me by my teacher. Her exact words were, it will change everything. She was right. This book gave me the skills I need to "cool the flames of difficult emotions" and I have put them into practice near daily. If you have every struggled with anger or any other difficult emotion, please get this book, read it and take it to heart. Here is a snapshot of what I learned and what I found to be most practical.

• Take good care of your anger : when anger comes, take care of it - nothing can be accomplished while one is in a state of intense emotion, so go and take care of it. There are two ways to do this.  The first, go back to yourself and do not say or do anything; the second, breathe, breathe consciously - just breathing in and out is enough. If you need it, add mindful walking and smiling. 
• Look deeply into your anger. Practice until you understand the root of your anger and how it works. When a baby cries, a mother will stop what she is doing and attend to him. Anger acts much in the same way. It is your "baby"  and just as a skilled mother can find out what it wrong with her baby very quickly, you can also with our anger. You have to practice this until you understand this. One way to do this, after taking care of you anger, is to ask anger to "open itself up to you." Work to uncover the seeds of anger. Notice if the seed of anger is being watered too often. "We cultivate the energy of mindfulness, the first insight we have is that the main cause of our suffering, of our misery, is not the other person - it is the seed of anger in us." Once you realize this, you can stop blaming another person, situation, or circumstance. You can begin to take responsibility for your thoughts and actions. 
• Practice mindful breathing all the time. Take very good care of your body. Eat mindfully, consume with all your senses and try not to consume things that nurture anger. Practice during times of peace so that when a situation comes up, and it will, you can remember your practice.
• Make a peace treaty. Promise to express your anger in a gentle, mindful, and compassionate way so as not to cause more suffering. Make an appointment with whomever contributed to your suffering. I use this example - I have it posted on my fridge. Using this took my marriage to a completely new level - we solved a long time problem that was causing us both to suffer - simply by listening. I also use a simplified version with my boys. 

“Peace Treaty
So that we can live long and happily together.

I, the one who is angry agree to:

1. Refrain from saying or doing anything that might cause further damage or escalate anger.
2. Not to suppress my anger (I have no problem with this one).
3. Practice mindful breathing and go back to myself to take care of my anger.
4. Calmly, within 24 hours, tell the one who has made me angry about my anger and suffering either verbally or by a note.
5. Ask for an appointment later in the week to discuss the matter thoroughly.
6. Not say, “I’m not angry, it’s ok. I’m not suffering. There is nothing to be angry about.” (I have no problem with this one).
7. Look deeply into my daily life, while sitting, walking, laying down, working, and driving in order to see : the ways I have been unskillful; how I have hurt the other person because of my own habit energy; how the seed of anger in me is the primary cause of my anger; how the other person is only a secondary cause or even not the cause (sometimes they are, something they aren’t); how the other person is only seeking relief from his or her suffering; that as long as the other person suffering, I cannot be truly happy.
8. Apologize immediately without waiting for the appointment, as soon as I recognize my unskillfulness and lack of mindfulness.
9. Postpone the appointment if I do not feel calm enough to meet with the other.

I, the one who has made the other angry, agree to:

1. Respect the other’s feeling, not ridicule and allow enough time to calm down.
2. Not press for immediate discussion (tough one).
3. Confirm the other person’s request for a meeting.
4. If I can apologize, do so right away and not wait until the appointment.
5. Practice mindful breathing and deep looking to see how: I have seeds of anger and unkindness as well as the habit energy, which make the other unhappy; I have mistakenly thought that making the other person suffer would relieve my own suffering; by making the other suffer, I make myself suffer.
6. Apologize as soon as I realize my unskillfulness and lack of mindfulness, without making any attempt to justify myself and without waiting until the appointment.”

• Practice compassionate listening and using loving speech: during the appointment, you must let the person speak, without interrupting, until they are completely finished. You must practice compassionate listening. The idea is that you are listening to relieve another' suffering. "You are listening with only one purpose: to allow the other person to express himself and find relieve from his suffering." You can do this by mindfully breathing while the other is speaking. When it is your turn to speak, speak with loving speech. This takes practice, lots and lots and lots of practice. 

 

a poem

know all that is needed is held

know where to look and find it there

see all the pieces find their way to miraculous wholeness

see the struggle dissipate, and bother no more

speak clearly, potently, sweetly

have it spring forth uncontrived

experience profound Heart giving and receiving there

offer kind confidence and ignition and authentic enthusiasm and joy

feel fully and not lose course, staying anchored to what is true

ground deep into soul, ancient, rooted, connected

be always home

Dear 2015

Dear 2015,

Thank you for bringing me into deeper awareness of my soul. Thank you for giving me courage and guides, to stand eye to eye with my darkness, standing steadfast as it opens itself up to me, revealing a spark, a glow, my Light.

Thank you for my sweet little tiny golden-haired teachers who change and grow so fast, who constantly require my best and remind me that “I am the best mommy in the world,” which is true for them, even when I don’t feel it. You wake me up.

Thank you for humbling me even more as I find ground, steadiness, purpose and surrender in my new home. Thank you for family life - for the steady, unconditional, unwavering, and passionate love expressed in so many ways, shared with and through my partner and love. Thank you for loving me as only you do.

Thank you for sweetness and laughter and awkwardness and new friends and shared food, space, time and tears. Thank you for tolerance, acceptance, differences and connection.

Thank you for your intelligence and your seasons and Nature’s abundance. May I continue to grow deep in my understanding and respect of You.

Thank you for teaching, unending education - books and teachers and courses and talks. Thank you E for encouragement and support and inspiration, walking with me, in the ether, as I learn how to cool the flames.

Thank you for Light. Thank you for Love. Thank you for Peace and Clarity in the midst.

May I greet the return of the Sun and 2016 with openness, compassion, sincerity, generosity, and steadiness.

I am so grateful with Love,
Kat