Situational depression is a thing..
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Reading up a little on depression as I'm feeling the effects recently .. the April snows in Wisconsin and constant care for both boys without a break for months is contributing.
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Warning: before I go on, know that this is not a positive hopeful post, if you want one, move on. It is however, a story .. so if you are into stories, stay with me.
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The literature says that I will have a depressive episode. Not might have, will have - since there's really nothing I can do to stop the progression of #dmd and the future death of my child is certain. Sure, the death of all people is certain, and no one knows how much time they have in their current body, but nonetheless most people have the luxury of not knowing and the power to make healthy choices, etc., I have both of those too, the luxury and the power. However, I also have to accept the reality of B's disease every day. I have to find ways to fight for feelings of happiness, joy and peace. And honestly, right now it's a fight.

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The confusing, conflicted, complication is that there is no event to recover from. I have to integrate grief, sadness and depression into everyday life. I think I understand mental illness better than I ever have. It's lonely, people say there is help, but I don't see anyone knocking on my door, coming into my home/life and “helping” .. I'm not blaming you, you have your own busy life and problems and depressive thoughts and thinking too. And if you don't, you probably don't want to hang around the likes of me bringing your high vibe down.

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You know that it's nearly impossible for a depressed person to get the support they need when they are feeling the feelings. And you know that a depressed person can look like they have everything balanced and organized and they can function .. enough. You know that.

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I'm an emotive person, when it looks like I don't have it together, that I'm suffering or terrified, I am. When I tell you I'm struggling, I am. When I say I don’t know, it’s because I feel overwhelmed. And, I can’t always ask for what I need which makes everything feel awkward and frustrating.

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My boy can see. My boy knows. And studies say that those who have diseases, disorders, etc. like his, can suffer as well from overwhelming guilt.

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Well fuck if I'm going to add that to my B's short life. Fuck that. I am going to find a way to pull myself out of this situational depression and live my life like I mean it!!

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Well that's what I say I'm going to do.

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I read the books, I listen to the podcasts, I do the yoga and the meditation, I schedule the self-care appointments, I ask for help, I meet with a therapists and share with friends. I do the work.

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But …

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Do I? Do I really, can I do it so much better?

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Sure my perfectionistic tendencies will tell me I can do so. much. better., that I am made for more.

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I want to believe that.

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I want to see that.

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I want to be #superduperhappy.

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I want. I want. I want.

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I'm a toddler Mama. (Thanks @rachelhollis)

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Pay attention here, because this is where I'm going to turn the negative bullshit around.

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Oh wait, no I am not. I'm certainly not. Not right now.

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I'm going to go back into my cave and feel around in the dark for a little while longer. But you can be sure that when I’m done or find something beautiful in there, I will share it.

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Apologies to all the kids moms in this picture. Save the two related to me, I don't know any of them.

Also, #girlstopapologizing.