Until recently, I have felt cranky, frustrated, irritated, overwhelmed, sad, terrified. Trapped by the screams of little boys and their poop, and dishes and housekeeping, politics, and life with all its opportunities for madness. Until recently I have been gradually moving towards crisis. Until recently, I have all but lost it on many days. Until recently, I have been working diligently to uncover what’s hidden with in me and it has been dark. No jewels, only dark, deep, treachery - nothing’s in there but darkness, and those jewels they say exist, don’t. That has been until recently.
Presently, I have seen something new. Something that rekindles the hope that such jewels, in fact, do exist. And if I keep digging, keep doing the work, they will be unearthed.
What has stopped me? What has stopped me from going further and instead turns me around to get caught in all the dirt and darkness? What has stopped me from cultivating and deploying my courage - a facet of myself I have always been proud of?
Fear. It’s definitely fear.
Until recently, I have felt shame around being afraid - thinking that it’s not normal, that I am somehow crazy and if I were “good” I wouldn’t be afraid and it would all be effortless. Therefore, I have been at war with my fear. The battles ended in rage induced blindness or big face-contorting tears - in either case, fear won, I lost, and a little bit of me died. Bits and pieces of my creativity taken as trophy so to be worn around Fears neck. The battles have been wearing me out for years and it's all to do with my unwillingness to accept it - as totally natural and human and absolutely nothing to be ashamed of.
So, how am I to deal with my fear.
Elizabeth Gilbert shares how she learned to deal with her fear in the form of this speech ..
Presently, I am finding ways to accept fear, to invite fear along for the ride. Treating fear with respect and kindness and compassion. I am not chastising my fear, I am not ridiculing my fear, I’m not even asking fear to go away. Because, when I do, I kill a little bit of my creativity and my desire to live creatively.
Liz (of course I would call her Liz, because we are old friends) defines creative living as this …
She defines Big Magic like this, she says …
So, what I am I to do with this rekindling of hope for jewels and hunting them? Here is my plan.
I plan to make space for fear - especially when it's fear that my children will not stop screaming and I will go completely insane. I will expect fear to show up when I have new opportunities and I’m not sure how they will go or really any time when I am unsure what the outcome will be - so in every situation. I will make space for fear to live and breathe alongside every inspiration and no longer battle it. I will create space for fear when I’m feeling down, unsure if happiness will return. And when I'm fearful that I don't have enough time, I will make the most space. I plan to cultivate more creativity, because I know I am the most brave and most sane when I am creating. And, I will create not just in the quiet times I have to myself, but all day long - through parenting, being a wife and lover and friend, through housekeeping, cooking, and laundry and the mundane tasks of each day - I plan to approach it all with a sense of curiosity, looking everywhere for Inspiration.
Fear, may you feel welcome and comfortable here and may you enjoy the show as Creativity and I get to work. xoxo, Kat