I am writing from a place of deep vulnerability and I wonder if it will come through? I can see and feel the sense the molecules of existence in my kitchen, the life left here by my boys, in their vibrancy and expansiveness, their cries and screams and laughter and smiles and all of the morning madness lingers. Life is so precious - our existence is such a miracle and the fact that we are - or can be aware of it all makes it even more so. I had waited for this time, these few hours a week where they are all out and I am here, with the space to work and consider - where my highest point of contribution lies. Gone are the feelings of wanting time to myself. My first desire now is to make the best use of our time together. To be - to really be - as present and as softly receptive as possible. The tears stream down and I bow my head in humility and recognition of all that is. I wrap my arms around my little self and let the awareness flood my consciousness.
The only question to consider ... what will I do with my One Wild and Precious Life?
The hardest days are the days I wake up thinking about dmd. The days when the tears are so close to the surface and I must hold myself tenderly and not wish for anything different and embrace the pain and sadness until it has run its course. Today is such a day. Today is a day of rest. Last night I made the right thing to nourish me today. Here is my receipe for the perfect
Tortilla Soup for the Soul
I insist on mise en place for this and all recipes.
3 pabalano peppers
3 cloves garlic crushed
1/2 cup olive oil
2 pints chicken stock
1 onion - diced
1 14 oz can of diced tomatoes (or 4-6 fresh)
1 tsp pepper
1 tsp salt
Broil peppers and garlic for 5 minutes (until slightly blackened - remove garlic before it burns - 3min)
In an Instapot, sautee onion in olive oil until translucent, chop up peppers and garlic when they are ready and sautee for another 3 min, tomatoes, add stock, add salt and pepper. Set to "soup" for 30min.
garnish with tortillas chips, 1/2 an avocado, 1 tbs yogurt, lime juice to taste
Here is a quick personal update.
We have moved into a home that is more suitable to our changing needs.
B changed schools and we are so grateful to Traeger School for incredible support.
O started pre-K and misses his brother.
So grateful for my family and to the sellers/buyers for the easeful transition and seamless home sale/purchase. So grateful for friends who helped with the move. So grateful for our church for meals. So grateful for calls, cards, donations, and gifts from friends - thank you for your generosity. So grateful for all the doterra oils. So grateful for my yoga teacher for the mentorship, gifts, texts and conversations. So grateful for health care givers, surgery and recovery (now I can smell those amazing oils), primary care, insurance and on going support.
So grateful for my husband as we begin our 10th year together.
So grateful for my boys - beyond grateful to be your mama.
May my gratitude be felt in classes this month.
Please join me for ongoing Flow + Restore classes at YMCA 20th St. and Downtown YMCA
This month classes will have an intentional focus:
gentle, internal self-care to restore, revive, and return via movement, breath, and stillness.
Today I feel so depressed and apathetic that I spent most of the day in front of a screen. For a moment today, I hugged Nate and said, "I know it's not true, but today it feels like I'll never be happy again." I know this isn't true, but the feeling about it is. The fear of it is. The thoughts are the hardest to deal with right now. Thoughts, that I am wasting my life, that the whole family may be better off without my bad attitude and complaints and general irritation and grumpiness. I know that these aren't kind words and these thoughts have no actual use - at least thats what I say, that is what I think. Fuck, I really don't know what to do. I don't know who I am. I have an idea of who I want to be, but today, I can only be what/who I am right now and that's plain sad, depressed, whatever you want to call it. I feel lost.
So, as antidote, I play with the boys, and submerse myself in the present moment, their laughter, their yells, their delight. I wonder how long this will last. I think I need to ask that question when I'm feeling sad too .... I'm already feeling lighter. Now, what I can do about this fear thing ...