My personal catalyst for this 30 Day Mediation Challenge was a desire to get to the heart of my own limiting and long-heald beliefs. To cultivate the deep well of me-ness below the negative ideas I have believed about myself. In addition to a daily meditation practice to really cultivate the connection to the deep well, I have been taking a good look as what I am ashamed of. Around what I feel the emotional pain of shame and how it manifests in my behavior. (Resource: Daring Greatly, Brene Brown). So, one night I just began naming/identifying my shame - this exercise continued over the course of the next 36 hours or so … I discovered (pretty personal stuff here, some very surprising, some not so surprising):
- Shame is needing others.
- Shame is desperate fear of needing others and being alone.
- Shame is desperation.
- Shame is working too hard. Not "working smarter not harder".
- Shame is not doing something that I would get upset at another for not doing.
- Shame is thinking my ex thinks I'm crazy.
- Shame is talking about my ex.
- Shame is not being about to do what I want due to a limitation.
- Shame is an unkept house.
- Shame is insecurity.
- Shame is not exercising.
- Shame is not following thru
- Shame is admitting that I'm afraid.
- Shame is 'my company' is not good enough and that reflects on me.
- Shame is admitting I am in pain and can't handle it.
- Shame (this one is heavy) is being addicted to the negative patterns I've experienced since childhood.
- and oh, there is more …
I know that I am in a "shame storm" when:
- I get really angry
- I start to cry and become inconsolable
- I feel desperate.
The point is not that the shame is reasonable or rational but that it is named, that I able to bring it to light and build my own resilience to it.
This is what catalyzed my personal commitment to this 30 day challenge. What about you?