I watched four episode of Speechless last night. A show is about a family of five, the oldest boy JJ has cerebral palsy (the actual actor has cerebral palsy too) and uses a wheelchair. The writer, Friends writer, Scott Silveri writes from his own life experience of growing up with a brother with cerebral palsy. It's funny, poignant, sensitive and applicable.
Last post I mentioned Krishna Das saying, if I didn't chant, I would never clear our the dark corners of my life. While, here goes. I recall seeing someone in a wheelchair, wondering as to why they needed one, smiling so as to connect human to human as sensitively and non-awkwardly as possible, smiling at the caregiver, and then thanking my lucky stars that both my boys were healthy and that wasn't me. You never think its going to happen to you. Now, I watch the boys play together, and work with the knowledge that it has happened - it is happening - to us. All I can do is rest in the present, watch and enjoy every beautiful and precious moment, feeling the feelings as they arise and keeping my thoughts at bay and focused on my breathing, the cool breeze, the warm sun, the sweet moments before school is back in session, and their beautiful luminosity. They say, it goes so fast, but for me, I've slowed down so much internally and expanded my awareness so much that the opposite is true. If anything, I think the clock moves quickly, but time does not. Time is infinite. Time is beyond our capacity to understand. So we create clocks and watch the rhythm of the days and seasons pass. Each day, we grow closer to our inevitable physical demise, yet our Soul extends far beyond. Is this true? I don't know. A part deep down knows it is, but another part thinks that's crazy and desperate - that other part is a skeptic. That skeptic takes the joy away, that skeptic needs to shut the fuck up. One thing that I know goes fast are my thoughts, my feelings, like a choppy sea, filled with sharks with wave after wave after wave crashing on me, me wondering how I'm going to find peace in the midst - and even survive. Worrying about my little boy, worrying about myself, worrying about his brother and daddy. I feel so removed from the world, my grief, of course is heavy right now. My grief of course will become easier to manage with time. I will keep doing the things, managing the tasks of day to day existence, playing legos, laughing, but its so god damn painful this life, loving, feeling, moving, watching, trying to Be. So you see, the dark corners, what can you do but go in, shine and light and get to cleaning? But, please, don't expect inspiration here.