This, you guys. This.
You guys, I battle with my small self all the time. My smallest self is a serious Beast. I put out the vibe that I’m relaxed, authentic, and happy, that I spend my days in meditation, doing yoga, drinking green juice and hemp protein smoothies, cooking only yogi-esque dairy-free, wheat-free vegan food, and teaching my boys mindfulness and compassion and empathy as we venture out into the woods to commune with coopers-hawks and chickadees and trees. But, the truth is I am a frightened little rabbit that can go all full-on zombie in a snap. It happened yesterday in the kitchen, the trigger, my husband putting (flippantly tossing) his keys on the bookshelf instead in the designated key area, the specific tray meant for just keys. The words and behavior that came out of me in that moment scared even myself and I immediately left the house with a curse and a slam of the door and walked down the street barefoot until I calmed down; which took about two blocks. I immediately apologized and tried to moved on. I quickly returned to the battle with my smallest self, tears streaming down my face as I washed the dishes. My smallest self whispering all the familiar attacks. I holding my ground as non-violently as I could, waiting it out.
A few days ago, I wrote about making space for my Fear. Standing there, washing my dishes, I did this, I made space for Fear, I held fear, I calmed Fear. My husband, who is the single most amazing person I have ever known, wrapped his arms around me and and just held me - as if he was also holding space for Fear.
In this awesome talk, Sarah Pool bravely and authentically talks about what it's like to let her “smallest self” run the show; and I am sure we can all relate to what she says. I love pretty much everything about what’s happening in it - I love that my yoga-sisters in Bend are doing such amazing things to empower women and girls and themselves through the Muse Conference and all other things Muse - I feel so much pride to have practiced besides them - as teacher, peer and student, but I digress. The only thing that I didn’t internally cheer about was when Sarah talked about “squashing the small self like a bug” - I get what she was saying and she’s such a badass that I don’t want to disagree with her, I believed her fully in the moment. But, I truly want to embrace my smallest self - the mean, dark, cursing, fighting, biting, hitting, little gremlin of my small self. I want Small Self to know that it’s ok! You can relax.The fight it over - the war is over. You can just chill out and furiously clean the kitchen and baseboards whenever you get a little angsty. But seriously, you are ok. Like I said a few days ago, Creativity and Me have got this. Small Self, it's ok, you can let Superwoman out, she’s ready.
Here’s what I am going to do. I am going to write down my list of Superwoman qualities. These qualities aren’t super unrealistic. Like nowhere on my list are you going to see things like: is a totally amazing singer, or the world’s most relaxed and put together mom, or can leap tall buildings or always gets her lefts and rights correct when teaching yoga, nothing crazy or anything. But, before I show you my list, I would like for you to consider your own list. Who is your Superwoman or Superman Self? The Self that feels delighted and excited to be you? The Self that would actually laugh endearingly at all the fuss the small self makes, without judgment and with much delight and empathy. Because really the small self is never going away, we just need to find more creative ways of dealing with it.
My Super Woman is:
Calm, loving, powerful, intelligent, elegant, inspired and inspiring, articulate, potent, compassionate, wants to fight the fight to free herself and be who she is, totally ok with everything as it is and able to work diligently and joyfully, positively self-aware, relaxed and comfortable, and to use Liz Gilbert’s phrase “stubbornly glad” (because I need to put my inherited abundance of stubbornness to good use.)
I would love love love to hear back from you on this one with your list.