In two days I turn 39 ... I still feel insecure, but much less so. I still feel social anxiety. I'm still too quiet and hard to hear. I grieve over the ways I didn't/couldn't bring myself through in situations - I grieve over my habits that ensure this. I welcome, invite, call in Me to quiet the insecurity, fear, pain, struggle. I call in Me to love, give, offer authentically, effortlessly, freely and with vigor. I welcome listening and clarity. I welcome alignment - Heart, Soul, Self, words and actions in alignment. "If it will benefit others, may I learn". I welcome original conversion, transmutation - letting what I learn and what I know settle in and come forth uncontrived and purely my own - no longer on the take.
I am grateful to all my teachers, past, present future who have given me so much, especially my littlest ones. I am grateful to everyone who has ever sat with me in yoga or meditation - you are my teachers and I am humbled by you. I am grateful for 39 years and each sunrise and sunset, each rain storm, fallen snowflake, hot night, bright star and clear moon. I am grateful for sweet precious Mother Earth who nourishes me, holds me, and loving supports my feet - your quiet forests and rhythmic oceans give the greatest peace. I am grateful for love - every broken heart and the one true love of my life who walks next to me, holding my hand and encouraging me simply by being present. I am grateful for family - that given to me by birth and by the simple understanding that we are connected, as humans and more-than-humans.
May the road to 40 be clear and stable and may I have the courage to navigate it when it's not.
photo by cyr, me costumed as a tree by sarah mikolowsky, circa 2010